IVF: Book Club

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now. The thing with IVF is that it makes you just a little bit paranoid. You’re investing so much time, money and emotion into it that you really don’t want to do anything wrong. So you need to have some activities to stop the stress monsters from taking over. If you’re anything like me as soon as you get five minutes you’ll be googling like a crazy person. At one point I was even banned from googling by my acupuncture therapist but that will have to be a story for another day!

As I mentioned in my previous post I didn’t feel comfortable with exercising during IVF so I had to think about other things to do to keep my mind on board (and out of IVF chat rooms!) Don’t get me wrong, chat rooms and talking with like minded people who are in the same boat as you can be really therapeutic and helpful. I have met and chatted to many lovely ladies. But once IVF has started I always think that keeping your mind as positive as possible is the only way to get through. Even the slightest whiff of negativity can send your mind into overdrive particularly when you have all of those drugs swishing around inside you. Rational thinking really does go out the window – well it did for me anyway.

So one of the things that always kept me occupied is reading. I have always been a fan of books and when you need to keep calm there is nothing like losing yourself in a good book. I like cheerful happy books with a bit of intrigue and romance thrown in there too. I must admit I like a good read so anything which isn’t well written doesn’t normally last long with me. I once read that the biggest waste of time is persevering with a book which you don’t like. I live by that motto now so if I don’t like it, I just get rid! Here are three to get you started:

I Capture the Castle – Dodie Smith

A poignant, warm novel about a family living in a crumbling castle during the 1930’s. It’s a tale of love, heartbreak and basically growing up and is written in the voice of young Cassandra who is the heroine of the story.  I’m actually still reading this book at the moment and I absolutely love it. I think everyone of us will see something of our young selves in Cassandra.

Me Before You – Jojo Moyes

If you haven’t read this book yet you really should. I steered clear of it for a long time as my sister is in a wheelchair and I worried that it would all be a bit too close to home. But it really is a beautiful book about a young girl who goes to work as a carer for a man who had an accident and is in a wheelchair. For it’s sad parts it really is uplifting and encourages you to grab life and get on with it. I read this shortly after my first failed IVF cycle and it made me realise that I needed to fight on. There is no time to wallow in sadness.

If God was a Rabbit – Sarah Winman

This is another great read. It covers so many subjects in one book and is another poignant and engaging story. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever read before and kept me up reading when I should have turned out the light. It is essentially a story about Elly and Joe, a bother and sister growing up in Cornwall. I don’t want to say too much as I don’t want to spoil the story but I think you will enjoy it.

Did you find reading helped during your IVF cycle? Do you have any good book recommendations? We could get a bit of a reading group going on here perhaps. x

Positivity: Do you need an IVF holiday?

I began writing this blog in October last year approximately two months after my second failed IVF cycle. The feeling of desperation and sheer disappointment was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and I would have given anything for it to work for us. But it didn’t, so there I was left with only an injection marked stomach and a box of broken dreams, I mean vials, to show for it.

I decided to start a blog so that I could perhaps help others on a similar journey. When I started out on the road towards IVF a year ago this month there was little in the way of inspiring information out there. There were plenty of good stories and even more bad stories but nothing I could really relate to. I just wanted the facts. I wanted to know what it would really feel like to go through a cycle of IVF. How ill would I feel. How tired would I be. And, would I really be as grumpy and miserable as I thought I might be when I was on down regulation drugs?

So I got off to a fairly good start, I wrote a bit and gave a bit of background information about myself – I even had a comment from a very lovely reader, (hooray someone found my blog and read it), and then I kind of well, stopped.  The truth is I needed some time out. I needed a break from IVF for a while. My google search engine gave up the ghost and I finally exhausted everything out there to read and obsess over. Well that’s an exaggeration but you get what I mean. My brain was frazzled and my mind needed time off. In the words of my uber wise Yoga Teacher and Mentor – I needed an IVF holiday.

The funny thing is, during the darkest days I always longed for a bit of positivity. I longed to able to look on the brightside and imagine my own little family. I’m usually a fairly positive person but not it seemed where fertility was concerned.

Imagine my surprise when I heard myself saying to my husband that I must get on with my blog. I need to do it while I’m waiting for the IVF to work and I’m still in the IVF World. That I think may just have been my first positive thought ever where IVF and fertility is concerned.

So there we have it. I’m back. I’ve had my IVF holiday and I am ready to share my experiences with you. As I head towards my third IVF cycle I pray it works but in the meantime I promise to share my story in the hope it may also help you.

Reflections: What it really feels like when your IVf cycle fails

I’ve been wondering whether or not to write this blog post for a while now. The subject isn’t the cheeriest and when you’re trying to write a positive blog you don’t really want to be filling it with doom and gloom.

But I want you to know that in amongst the sadness there are also positives to be taken from failed cycles. Obviously when I set out on this journey I always hoped the IVF would work first time, afterall I’m still reasonably young, I’m healthy (ish) and my husband has no known issues. In fact you could go as far as to say he has the gold star in fertility terms. An embryologist even described him as being sperm donar quality. His mother would be so proud (!)

Of course the IVF didn’t work first time, and neither did it work second time. I was left in a limbo situation torn between total devastation and anger, and using all my strength I had to muster up some positivity. The grey days were pretty bleak and very very tough. I spent hours in our bedroom and if I’m totally honest if I could have stayed in bed for the rest of the year I think I probably would have done.

They say that times of trauma can push couples apart or bring them closer together and I thank God I have a wonderful caring husband who has been my rock through this process.

So for my husband (and I guess deep down for myself too) I got myself up. I did my hair, I put on my make up and I tried to be as normal as I possibly could. I have an inquisitive mind and I like to research which is pretty challenging when you get into the IVF World. There is so much out there to read about and so many opinions to consider. I would be lying completely if I said I no longer researched at all, but I made a pact to try some new hobbies and interests to keep my mind busy.

I started with a sewing course at my local college. I’ve always wanted to learn to make my own blinds and curtains so I enrolled on a course. I’m now close to finishing my first patchwork quilt and although there have been times I have felt like launching my sewing machine out of the nearest window I am genuinely enjoying it.

I bought some crochet needles and signed up to a weekend course to learn to crochet. I’ve lost count of the number of granny squares I have made! It’s addictive.

I read books. Good, interesting, uplifting books. Books that keep you up reading way after you should have turned out the light and drifted off to sleep.

And I spent time with friends. My best friends. The kind who can prop you up when you need some extra help. They’ve listened to me cry, shout and get angry and they’ve made me laugh when I needed to lighten up.

The second failed cycle was much harder than the first. I had more hope going into the second cycle. They were going to try drugs to help me and I worked really hard to eat a super healthy diet. I spent a small fortune on supplements in fact in the hope I would have the result I dreamt of.

But it still failed and I was back to where I had been a few months previously. This time I had far less hope and began to wonder if it would ever work out for me.

In the weeks following the failed cycle I have had to work hard to cheer up. I’ve continued with my hobbies and I’ve spent lots of time with friends and family. My husband and I had a lovely weekend away and we hope to have another little holiday before the end of the year.

In 2015 we plan to start our next round of treatment but in the meantime I will continue with all of my new hobbies. The failed cycles have been horrid but in amongst the sadness I feel like I have found myself. It might sound a bit corny and even a little bit unbelievable but the main positive I have found from this dreadfully difficult situation is simple time just to be me.

Prior to the failed IVF I was on a treadmill of work, sleep and hospital  treatment. Now, for a while at least, I am taking some time just to be me. I am hopeful that with my powers of epic research I will find a good hospital who can tailor a treatment plan to help me.

This has turned into a long old post and I hope I haven’t rambled too much. I just want you to know that if you have had a failed cycle the grey days do lift and with it comes a sense of strength that might surprise you.