I’ve been wondering whether or not to write this blog post for a while now. The subject isn’t the cheeriest and when you’re trying to write a positive blog you don’t really want to be filling it with doom and gloom.
But I want you to know that in amongst the sadness there are also positives to be taken from failed cycles. Obviously when I set out on this journey I always hoped the IVF would work first time, afterall I’m still reasonably young, I’m healthy (ish) and my husband has no known issues. In fact you could go as far as to say he has the gold star in fertility terms. An embryologist even described him as being sperm donar quality. His mother would be so proud (!)
Of course the IVF didn’t work first time, and neither did it work second time. I was left in a limbo situation torn between total devastation and anger, and using all my strength I had to muster up some positivity. The grey days were pretty bleak and very very tough. I spent hours in our bedroom and if I’m totally honest if I could have stayed in bed for the rest of the year I think I probably would have done.
They say that times of trauma can push couples apart or bring them closer together and I thank God I have a wonderful caring husband who has been my rock through this process.
So for my husband (and I guess deep down for myself too) I got myself up. I did my hair, I put on my make up and I tried to be as normal as I possibly could. I have an inquisitive mind and I like to research which is pretty challenging when you get into the IVF World. There is so much out there to read about and so many opinions to consider. I would be lying completely if I said I no longer researched at all, but I made a pact to try some new hobbies and interests to keep my mind busy.
I started with a sewing course at my local college. I’ve always wanted to learn to make my own blinds and curtains so I enrolled on a course. I’m now close to finishing my first patchwork quilt and although there have been times I have felt like launching my sewing machine out of the nearest window I am genuinely enjoying it.
I bought some crochet needles and signed up to a weekend course to learn to crochet. I’ve lost count of the number of granny squares I have made! It’s addictive.
I read books. Good, interesting, uplifting books. Books that keep you up reading way after you should have turned out the light and drifted off to sleep.
And I spent time with friends. My best friends. The kind who can prop you up when you need some extra help. They’ve listened to me cry, shout and get angry and they’ve made me laugh when I needed to lighten up.
The second failed cycle was much harder than the first. I had more hope going into the second cycle. They were going to try drugs to help me and I worked really hard to eat a super healthy diet. I spent a small fortune on supplements in fact in the hope I would have the result I dreamt of.
But it still failed and I was back to where I had been a few months previously. This time I had far less hope and began to wonder if it would ever work out for me.
In the weeks following the failed cycle I have had to work hard to cheer up. I’ve continued with my hobbies and I’ve spent lots of time with friends and family. My husband and I had a lovely weekend away and we hope to have another little holiday before the end of the year.
In 2015 we plan to start our next round of treatment but in the meantime I will continue with all of my new hobbies. The failed cycles have been horrid but in amongst the sadness I feel like I have found myself. It might sound a bit corny and even a little bit unbelievable but the main positive I have found from this dreadfully difficult situation is simple time just to be me.
Prior to the failed IVF I was on a treadmill of work, sleep and hospital treatment. Now, for a while at least, I am taking some time just to be me. I am hopeful that with my powers of epic research I will find a good hospital who can tailor a treatment plan to help me.
This has turned into a long old post and I hope I haven’t rambled too much. I just want you to know that if you have had a failed cycle the grey days do lift and with it comes a sense of strength that might surprise you.
myivfworld 